Flight

Your silence is too audible
It grates upon my ears
And when I look into your eyes
I see my own worst fears

I see the times that you weren't there
So visibly absent
And when you hold me in your arms
I know that I resent

The flowers that you gave me
The necklace round my neck
The way you kiss me as you leave
A single hurried peck

Your heart beats slow and steady
Mine flutters like a bird
It's trapped within my ribcage
Its chirping never heard

So long since you have seen me
Yet I cross your path each day
This day-to-day denial
In your stony stoic way

But I want love and wonder
Someone to know my mind
A man that loves me deeply
A man that's smart and kind

He'd ask me how my day was
And take from me my bags
To him I'd be so special
Not just a wife who nags

Or maybe I'll just get a dog
And walk him every day
He'd love me unconditionally
And we would often play

A dog would keep me warm at night
And be a lovely friend
A dog is a great listener
My broken heart would mend

But maybe I can be alone
And all I need is me
Some solitude and freedom
Some real autonomy

I could enjoy my company
And do just as I like
I could take a mid-day nap
Or do a morning hike

I could read a book straight through
Or head off to the mall
I could take a bubble bath
Or watch the tree's leaves fall

Yes, that's just what I'll do
I need some time for me
And then when I am all alone
I'll simply, truly, be.

I hate moving

Even when stationary, we're moving. Like bodies of water that are "still", under the surface we're teeming with life and constantly going going going.

The blood in our veins, the air in our lungs, the molecules and atoms and electrons. (What is smaller than an electron? It's probably moving too.)

We're always moving. So it's no wonder I'm so damn tired. Do we rest when we're dead?

We're not just moving, we're rushing. What are we rushing towards? Where is it that we need to get to so quickly? What is the purpose of deadlines and due dates? What happens if we don't get it all done? Does life stop? Does everything fall apart?

What would happen if it all fell apart for you? Would you finally be free to do as you like? Or would you be trapped, trapped within this world that revolves around time and appointments and goal-setting and goal-attainment and fixed periods of time for everything from gestation to graduation?

It's no wonder that books and movies like Fight Club are popular - our greatest fantasy is to give it up all up and start over. To live with "nothing". To live with as little as we can. Imagine not working towards buying new things. Imagine buying only what you need. Imagine feeling. Imagine care less, and caring more. What would that mean for you?

But no. You need this job. You need it so you can buy ___, and you need ___ so that you can be happy/healthy/look good/feel good/keep up with the Jones'. Or is it Joneses?

I think one day I'll have to find out what it's like. But first I just have to achieve some fixed-time-period goals, and buy a few things.